Struggle = Hope
50 posts published, out-of-focus paintings
Before I get into my thoughts of my fiftieth Million Dollar Garage post…
I made these three new paintings this week and I cannot get a good shot of them. Tried photographing them in the studio. Outside in the driveway. In sunlight. Overcast. I just can’t quite get the photos to represent the product. Here they are and below is a raw shot for better understand…
See what I mean? This video was my ‘inspiration for these paintings…
From last month in Cancun.
The War is Already Won…but the battle continues
Welcome to the fiftieth edition of Million Dollar Garage.
This is hard. No bullshit. This is a difficult endeavor. I don’t make it easy on you either. I don’t provide you with easy hope or platitudes.
Just like every self-help book ever published: lead with pessimism and struggle. Tell everyone what sucks! This is the way to be the greatest help to humanity ever born. More flies with rat poison!
I have a hard time telling you something valuable twice a week. Recently, I have a hard time telling you something valuable once a month. Heavy preparation and creative action are occurring here, leaving almost no room for reflection and measurement. Let alone good communication.
Before I go too much further griping about the consequences of my choices or the difficult of being an artist, or how my brain has a difficult time switching from painting to writing to marketing to maintaining the studio, I must say the most important thing:
I fucking love you and your support. I cannot believe that there are 333 people who actually go through the trouble of following this folly along, but here you are. Thank you to the moon. I hope you are healthy, wealthy and wise. I hope your faith is beautifully intact. I hope you have one wish come true for every candle on every birthday cake you have ever blown out.
My perception of your attention is an inspiration to keep on keepin’ and an absolute ball-busting crusher to try and produce something of value for you. My life is pulled and pushed by paradox. This self-induced pressure is a valuable asset to my future. As painful as it is at times, I appreciate it fully.
This marks 50 publications or Million Dollar Garage and over 60 Bento Wiz since this first post in May.
I promised myself I wouldn’t cry… I promised myself that I would not attempt to gauge MDG for content or critically measure its effectiveness for one year. For that reason, all these bi-weekly ruminations, to me, seem to all run together into a sniveling and self-glorifying, art-whoring, single-handed, and myopic firing squad. The statement proves itself by the allusion to my own work as: ruminations. What a jerk. I will not delete it though.
Why? Because I am searching for myself, for the truth about myself.
Why? Because this is what I believe: We are all going through different versions of the same shit I battle. Imposterism. Who-do-you-think-you-are-?-ism. Self-esteem issues. Unavoidable digital Political strife invading our peace from all angles. Money problems. That’s just the surface-level mental strife.
Why? Because the struggle is the journey. Because struggle is the process of growth. because growth is the process of living. and living is a gift. Progress not perfection. It’s the journey…not the destination.
Struggle=Progress=Growth=Journey=Living=Gratitude=Heaven
I fight a battle of what I want to do; what I should do; what is best to do; and what everybody else in my life thinks I should do. The best part of my maladies is that I don’t actually know what any one else thinks and possibly worse,
who knows if they even think about it at all.
I fight a battle that makes me think that nobody actually gives a fuck, but I am trying to make them care about what I can do.
Now, before you all start reaching out to me about my well-being…hold on.
I said I fight these battles.
I didn’t say I lose these battles.
This is why I show you myself. The boogers and the bad teeth, the poor-me thoughts and the grandiose look-at-me exclamations. Now, of course, I don’t tell all…but I keep it raw enough that sometimes my family looks at me more than sideways.
Why? Because the battle is already won. Even when my fears get the best of me, when they rattle in my brain and won’t leave me alone, I settle into my faith and gratitude. I find hope enough in this world to keep trying, to try again. To keep going.
That is enough to live a good life, but:
If ten years from now, someone tells me that they read one of these posts and saw themselves in me, attempting to be honest, and realized that not only are they not alone, but contrarily, complete and beautiful…
if they realized that tomorrow is a new morning…if they realized that they could be an astronaut or a monk…or…if they only decided to try again….one more time…two more times…and found…there is gold in them hills.
And if I never happen to help someone in a manner similar to this vision, and if this falls into just me sitting here typing into the ether, God will know that the impetus he imbued into my person..that he put purposefully into my hands, was attempted with appreciation and love for others. He knows my heart and yours.
Thanks a million for being here. Sami and I are grateful for you!
Jason
Thank you, love, for sharing your struggle.